the only way to understand a river is to jump into it

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i think my therapist tried to dump me today. i was slightly taken aback although, in hindsight, it makes sense. the reasons why i started seeing him 8 months ago have largely been dealt with. all that i have left now is my old friend; my eating disorder.

he can help with the eating disorder of course (he either said he would like to help or that he’d be happy to help. annoyingly, i can’t remember which). but he’s only willing to help if i want help. otherwise it’s just a waste of time (his) and money (mine).

i know that he’s right. i know that my eating is an issue. i’m (generally) an intelligent, rational, sensible person. i know it’s not healthy to lose ~ 3 stone in a couple of months and take a perverse pleasure in making those closest to you think that you are eating a healthy balanced diet. i know that this is just about control really.

i control my food –> i control my body –> i control my life.

i know that i’ve got it the wrong way round though and really this is controlling me.

but still, i can’t stop.

he told me to think about it over the next week and decide what i want to do.

on the way home, i walked in and out of coffee shops and bakeries. at every stop, i thought about buying something and sitting there and eating it but i couldn’t. i went to tesco and thought about buying something for lunch but i couldn’t stop staring at the calorie counts of everything so just settled on buying some broccoli and a pint of milk so my husband can make his porridge in the morning.

then i went and sat by the river in regent’s park. it was so cold that my hands still haven’t recovered. it was there that i made the very mature decision to email the clinic’s reception and cancel my appointment for next week. a pre-emptive strike if you will; dumping him before he could dump me. i’ll be back the week after i’m sure. whether i’m ready to jump into the river is a different question though.

{title quotation from the museum of extraordinary things by alice hoffman}

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