everything good and bad left an emptiness when it stopped

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i was planning to do a weekly recap of good things on a friday. i know i’ll never keep it up though so i’ve shelved that idea. more pressingly though, i don’t really have any sense of what is good or bad any longer.

for example:

1) i had to buy a new (boring) black skirt for work on monday. despite buying a couple just before christmas, they are already hanging off me and i don’t think it looks hugely professional. i went into the next by my office and grabbed a uk size 8 off the rail. i don’t remember when i’ve ever bought a size 8 before in my life. i couldn’t bring myself to try it on in the shop as i was so convinced that i would be too fat for it. i got back to my office and went into the loos to try it on. it fit. more than that, it was actually a little bit too big.

is that good or bad? obviously my vanity thinks it’s a good thing. the rational part of my brain knows that being too small for a size 8 is a bad thing and had a small freak out.

2) i cooked two new recipes this week. one was an absolutely delicious lamb biryani which i will make over and over again. the other was a slightly less delicious (in my opinion) spicy pork, orzo and spinach thing. more to my husband’s taste than mine but still perfectly acceptable. this is good i think. i like making new recipes, particularly when they don’t turn out to be shit.

but i made both of them because the recipes, as written, came in at under 400 calories per portion. when you factor in the tweaks i made along the way and the fact that i always give myself somewhere between a half and two thirds of a portion, my calorie count for them was signficiantly lower.

3) i brought brownies into the office again on monday and have developed a somewhat devoted following. clearly salted caramel is the way to my colleagues’ hearts. i am going to make more brownies next week. my therapist told me this week that everyone probably knows that i have an eating disorder and that ‘people notice these things’. so whilst making brownies makes the team happy, which is obviously important, more than that i feel like nobody is going to guess that i have an eating disorder if i’m known as the office brownie queen (my new official title). so is that good or bad? i don’t know.

so there we have it. i’m mired in the middle of this upside down world, not knowing where to turn or what to think about anything.

in the meantime, i’m off to a meeting. my job, ironically, is to provide the treats.

{title quotation from a moveable feast by ernest hemingway}

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