an act of violence against the self // mini oatmeal muffins

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it always seems so unfair when black moods descend at the weekend; a bit like getting ill as soon as you go on holiday. it was probably my own fault though. a pinterest-induced  spiral that started with my inability to do any more advanced yoga poses than a downward dog (i mean, just how? i don’t think my body will ever co-operate with that), passing through the fact that no matter how many pairs of ankle boots i buy, my calves still look ginormous and finally, inevitably, settling on my weight. the number that had seemed that morning, when i was feeling okay, like an acceptable bmi, now suddenly loomed in front of me, taunting me. this was further compounded by 1) the fact that i ate lunch yesterday and 2) my weight went up this morning by 1lb (i know, i know, it’s just water weight but still).

the competitive elements of eating disorders are well known. it’s a constant comparison game both to everyone around you (do they weigh less than me? do they eat more than me?) and often to yourself (am i more bloated than yesterday? did i do as many steps last week as the week before?). clearly, this appeals to me. there are days when i think i’ve got pretty good at it (and i like being good at things) but most of the time, i’m on a losing streak. and that adds more fuel to the fire. and so it goes on.

i have tried to muddle through today rather than either hide, always my number one choice, or engage in some (other) self-destructive behaviours, generally a close second, so it’s meant more time on the yoga mat, some jobs around the flat that i was tempted to leave for another day and some muffins. the latter were primarily for my husband (obviously) to fuel his long and snowy run but i managed to eat 1/4 of one. baby steps and all that.

{title quotation from iyanla vanzant. the full quote is ‘comparison is an act of violence against the self’ which seemed very fitting}

~

perhaps i should say a few words about recipes (and i will talk about this more at some point)? whatever phase i’m going through, i’ve never really stopped loving cooking and baking. it may seem weird to have recipes on an eating disorder blog and some people, will no doubt, find it too weird to cope with. but i’ll never stop wanting to make (and eat) delicious food, generally from scratch. admittedly, part of it is a control thing. or maybe most of it is a control thing. who knows? while i know the nutritionally breakdown and calorie count of everything i cook, i’m certainly not going to add that here. i also don’t tend to use ‘healthy’ substitutions or try to cut calories/fat/sugar/whatever particularly. when i eat, i want it to taste good.

anyway, i’ll try to remember to put recipes behind a cut so you don’t need to read them if you don’t want to.

~

mini oatmeal muffins (w/ cranberries and dark chocolate chips)

makes 24; adapted primarily from 101 cookbooks with a little inspiration from sprouted kitchen

ingredients:

  • 115g unsalted butter
  • 100g oats
  • 75g demerara sugar
  • 100g plain flour
  • 1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda
  • a pinch of salt
  • 175g plain yoghurt
  • 1 egg
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 25g dried cranberries
  • 25g dark chocolate, chopped

method:

pre-heat the oven to 180C and line a mini muffin pan with liners of your choice (i use silicone but really, who gives a shit?). in a small pan, over a low heat, melt the butter. if you like, you can take this quite far until brown and nutty-smelling but it’s optional really. take the butter off the heat to cool. put half the oats in a small bowl with half the sugar and add a tablespoon of the melted butter. stir it together until it starts clumping and then set aside.

in another bowl, mix together the rest of the oats, the rest of the sugar, the flour, bicarbonate of soda and salt. whisk together the yoghurt, egg, vanilla and the rest of the melted butter in yet another bowl (sorry) until smooth. finally, add the wet ingredients to the dry, add the cranberries and chocolate and stir together until just combined; try not to over-mix.

divide between the muffin tin, sprinkle with the crumble topping and bake for ~20 mins until brown. remove from the oven and take out of the pan pretty quickly. even better if you can remove the liners quickly too.

 

 

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